The Oldest I've Been & the Youngest I'll Ever Be Again

I'm looking at the end of another decade, and this year I'm feeling pretty introspective. These days, I feel like I know who I am. I accept that I'm brassy, that I'm opinionated to a fault, that I set high expectations for myself and therefore expect others to meet those high expectations as well. In short, in the last couple years I've become a confident woman who knows my mind and speaks it unapologetically.

But I wasn't always that way.

My teens in three words: lost, anxious, lonely. I suffered from crippling social anxiety. Like most teens, I was self-conscious and insecure. I hated everything about myself, from my hair and skin to my awkward sense of humor.

Brittany helped get me through middle and high school and pretty much life in general. Here we are in DC in 2000. Check out my really cool white Baby G watch and disposable camera.

You'd never know it. My defense mechanism was to act confident and a little weird; I wore my weirdness like a badge of honor. I participated in class, went to parties, and played sports, but inside I was falling apart every day. In my teens, I learned that even the people who look shiny and perfect are struggling. I learned empathy because I was suffering myself. I learned that education, reading, and writing could help me escape the world when I was feeling particularly anxious or depressed.

Despite my struggles, I made some amazing friends who are still my touchstones today - they know me better than anyone and, because they've been there since the beginning, I know they'll always be there.

Three words to describe my 20s: adventure, self-realization, growth. It's funny how different your early twenties are from the later twenties. In my 20s, I finally began to see my value and embrace who I am. I discovered my love of and talent for teaching. I had never done anything before that made me feel so useful and valuable. Like I had a purpose. Through teaching, I developed real confidence. When you have such a heavy responsibility on your shoulders, you have to live up to it!

Notes from my students in my first or second year of teaching.

I got married. I bought a house. I traveled. I grew in my career. I made friends and let some go; I learned what real friendship is. I learned to balance my priorities and my budget. I learned to run. I learned to race. I learned what it was to test my boundaries and overcome obstacles that were entirely of my own making.

21 years old and enjoying Barcelona.

My first solo race at 25 years old.

My last leg of Ragnar, a defining moment for me...27 years old.

And now, 30. I'm looking forward to 30. When I see how much I've grown and how much better life has gotten as it goes on, I can only think that my 30s will bring that much more goodness! I'm hoping that this next decade brings more self-awareness, strength, and courage. I'm determined to nurture my friendships and drop those in my life who are detrimental or hold me back. I plan to be a powerhouse.

And I know capping off my 20s in the best way possible means doing something I discovered and learned to love during these last ten years...running a race. See you on the other side, friends!

How have you changed over the years?
ABK